I miss her

It has been three years since I lost my mom.  Three years is quite a long time.  Yet, in many respects, it feels like only yesterday that I made that long trip from the USA to South Africa alone with my four very little kids.  An urgent phone call from my dearest brother told me to, “Get here quickly.”  And so we did.

The Lord was so good to me.  He blessed me with six amazing days with my mom before she died.  I was able to love her and just be with her.  He gave me a precious gift.  Before I knew it–mom was gone.

I never imagined that I would be in my thirties, and without a mother.  It’s something you just never see coming your way.  There is so much truth in the expression that life is short.  So very short.

Today my heart is aching. Today I remember my mom.  We had such an up and down relationship.  But this day, on the anniversary of her death, I choose to remember only the good.  The amazing. The laughs. The love. The good times.  The sharing of hearts.

I have learned so much through loosing my mother.  Yes, I have learned how fragile life truly is.  It really can be a case of here one day, gone the next.  But more than anything I have learned that family and true friends are priceless…a gift from the Almighty.  They are treasures and should be treated as such.

Isn’t hindsight such a wonderful thing? Looking back, there are so many things I wish I could change.  Not about my mom…but about me.  I wish I had looked at my own imperfections more, and hers less.  I wish I had been more understanding, more accepting of her flaws.  If I had only known that her days on this earth would be so limited…would I have been different? Undoubtedly so.  These days I choose to make every day and every relationship count.

An aching heart is what I feel today.  I long, with all my heart, for a mother.  It just does not feel right that I don’t have one.  I miss her.  I miss having a mom so much it hurts.  It feels all wrong to me.  Especially on days like these.

Perhaps this sounds a little silly, but I often pray that God would give my mom a window in heaven.  Just a little peak into my life every now and then.  I know she never for one second imagined that I would ever be the mother to six children.  But here I am doing just that.  I wonder what she would say?  Does God allow her to see my life?  Does she get a glimpse of her grandbabies growing up?  I have no idea.  It sure does make me feel better to imagine that she does.

If you have a mother–treasure her like there is no tomorrow.  Don’t harbor resentment in your heart.  Focus on her good, not her imperfections.  Savor the good times and forget the not-so-good.  And really, don’t sweat the small stuff (like I did)…let it go.  It just is so not worth it. Hug her more often, and a little tighter.  Appreciate the things she does do, and forget about the things she doesn’t.  They’re not important. Appreciate every day God gives you with the mother He has CHOSEN to be yours.

How I miss mine today.

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