As I celebrated my 50th birthday this year, it was with a heart of much gratitude. Reaching a “mature” age brings so much reflection—looking back at all that God has allowed me to graciously live through, and looking forward with a steadfast, joyful hope. Because I have tasted and I have seen that He can be trusted in every season.
Since the beginning of my journey on social media, I have always shared my life with vulnerability and honesty here, while at the same time sharing the hope that I have, no matter what life throws my way. Some have mentioned that I live a life that seems like it is without many trials and challenges. Nothing could be further from the truth. Like you, I walk through the fire daily, it feels like. The last three years have stretched me and my faith more than anything ever has. I have been hurt, broken, stretched to the point of clinging to Jesus and often left feeling utterly depleted. This is real life and no one is immune to suffering and hard times.
It is only because of Jesus and what He has done in and through me that I can stand and declare that He truly is enough, no matter what I walk through. And it is because of that assurance in His faithfulness that I can share my heart from a place of audacious hope and unwavering faith.
Has my faith always been rock-solid? No! It absolutely has not. If you knew me in my early twenties, you probably would not recognize me. I have had so many hurts from my past to deal with as an adult—such deep pain that caused me to make poor decisions and left me a rather broken young woman. I came to know Jesus in the 90’s when I found myself at a place where I hardly recognized the person who I had become. I will never forget finding myself sitting in a pew in the church that I had been confirmed in as a teenager. Was God really, really real? Did He love me? Would He abandon me? I sat there with uncontrollable tears running down my face, wrestling with the path my life had taken. It was so hard for me to trust anyone. Could I really trust God?
At the end of the service, I stood to leave when the youth pastor stood up and said, “There is someone here tonight who came searching for God. He wants you to know that He is here and doesn’t want you to leave until you meet with Him.” He then mentioned that he would be waiting if that person wanted to talk. Overcome with emotion, on very shaky legs, I walked to the front of the church and spent the next hour talking with the pastor. And that night, I gave my life to Jesus. My whole, messed up, broken, fragile life. I gave Him every shattered piece of the life that I had tried to hold together.
For the next few years, my relationship with God grew exponentially. I started to discover who I was and who He created me to be. Anthony and I got married and my faith grew stronger and deeper. But I struggled to see God as “Father.” He was God and He was good, but because of my own issues and my past hurts, I could not see Him as Father God.
Two years into our marriage, I hit the lowest point in my life. It is truly only by the grace of God that I survived. But it was, in many ways, a turning point for me. A time in my life when God reached down from heaven and lifted me up and declared into my heart that He was not done with me yet. That He had a plan and a purpose for my life. That no matter how excruciating the pain was, He would restore what was stolen. Was I willing to trust Him with it? With all of it? With every piece of me that still ached? With every detail of my future? It was in those weeks that followed that I began to know Him as my “Abba,” my Daddy, who would never leave me nor forsake me. I began to press in to know Him not just as my God in heaven, but as my Father who loved me so intimately and wanted every ugly, bruised, broken part of me. I knew then that only He could piece the broken places of my heart back together.
And I gave Him a promise then. My whole heart poured out and yielded. A promise that I have held on to for the last 27 years.
“Take my life and make something beautiful of it, Jesus. Take every hurt, every bad decision, every broken dream, and every part of my heart that hurts, and use it all for your glory.”
Never could I have imagined back then that He would take my ashes and make them as beautiful as He has. Never could I have known that He would take my whispered prayer of mustard-seed-like faith all those years ago and restore, redeem and give me a life that far exceeds any dream I ever had.
It’s been 27 years of me and Jesus walking together now. I have lived on four continents, travelled to more than 40 nations, lived in more houses than I can remember, had the amazing blessing of having friends and family all over the world, known what it means to be lavishly loved by my husband for 25 years, and had the honor and the privilege of being Mom to ten of the most incredible children in the world. It is all so much more than I ever imagined for my life or thought that I deserved.
Looking back on every trial and every victory, I see God’s faithfulness. His hand that never let me go. His heart that has been for me, even when I doubted. His grace that covered me in every situation I ever journeyed. His mercy that knows no bounds. His wisdom to lead and guide me. His strength when I have been at my weakest. His joy that passes all understanding.
It’s been a journey.
I was having a conversation recently with a friend who asked me what I would say to my younger self. I’ve thought about that a lot, because there are times when I wish I knew then what I know now. And when I look at my young adults figuring out this thing we call life, I pray that they have far more wisdom than I had when I was their age.
I would say to my younger self…
People will despise you without knowing you, they will hurt you, they will let you down, they will have an opinion about what you should or should not do with your life. Don’t, for a single second, care about what anyone thinks or says about you! Always, always keep your eyes on heaven and His opinion. It’s all that matters.
People will come and go from your life. Hold the ones you love the most so closely to your heart. Choose your people wisely. Fill your life with those who build you up, encourage you, support you and are there for you.
Don’t look to the left or to the right…stay on the path that God has for YOU. No matter what that looks like.
Be strong and courageous. Always! Stand up for what you believe is right, and always hold onto your convictions—even if it goes against what the world says.
Wait patiently for the person whom God has for you to spend your life with. Never settle. He will be faithful in this too.
The world is hard and getting harder by the day. Find joy indescribable. Laugh a lot.
It’s so much easier to say yes than it is to say no. Learn to say no.
Chase God-sized dreams. Remove every limitation you put on yourself and let God define your future.
You will stand on mountaintops and be victorious. And you will face times of trials and pain. Know this with all of my heart…God can be trusted. He WILL be faithful to you.
And when those moments of doubt creep in, when you wonder to yourself, “Is this faith for real? Is the hope of heaven real and is this all worth it?,” keep pressing in. Keep pressing on. Keep running your race with perseverance. Because I would rather die with the glorious hope of heaven in my heart, than die and discover that I chose all wrong.
And so I’m looking forward to the future with a heart of great expectation. Of course, I have no clue what tomorrow holds.
But I know the ONE who holds my tomorrows. And that, friends, is enough for me.
How grateful I am for this life that He chose for me.
