I have realized something about myself since I have been on this journey here in a far away land.
I am NOT a strong person. At all! I did used to think that I had a certain amount of strength. But not anymore. I am as weak as they come. There are some things in this life that are, quite frankly, just too darn painful. Things that make me beg the Lord Jesus to hurry on up and come back NOW.
Our Hailee…she’s not sick. Today I discovered that I was wrong in thinking that. She is, however, struggling with the side effects of a strong dose of the drug that she is on. She was doing so very well last week. I really thought that we had turned a corner with bonding. But everything changed on Saturday. I couldn’t figure it out.
Today I found out that last week she was off her medication–the one for “best sleep”. The drug which is prescribed for patients with severe mental disorders. The one that causes her to be so out of it that she is nothing but a [quiet] floppy ragdoll. Saturday, she resumed taking it.
Today I had to remind myself to breathe. I felt like the walls were caving in on me.
Today I loved on my child who could not recognize me.
Today my heart broke as I looked into her eyes and told her that I adore her.
Today my daughter was lifeless.
Today I wept and told my God in heaven that I just could not understand it all.
Today I asked God, “Why?”
Today I whispered into her sweet ears and made her promises.
Today I shed tears for the ones that I will have to leave behind.
Today I crossed off another day on my countdown to this process being complete.
Today I asked the Lord how come others have completed their adoption in less than a week–but I still sit here waiting for court.
Today I begged the Father, “Where is your church? Who will come and rescue all the others?”
Today I lost it completely.
My daughter’s reality is truly more than my heart can deal with. I am aching for her. Aching for others.
So there you have it–I am NOT a strong person at all. When it comes to this stuff, I totally turn to mush.
I am so thankful that HIS strength is made perfect in our weakness.