Today we found out that our precious embryo baby has not made it. Our hearts are tender and we’re very tearful. We always knew that the chances of this baby surviving in my womb were so very slim, but still it’s painful. So many of you have been praying with us. You have supported us from the time I first shared our embryo adoption journey. You interceded when we moved them to a clinic where the staff valued life. And you grieved with us when three of our embryos did not survive the thaw. It’s been a very stretching journey, to say the least. No words can express how thankful I am that so many of you have been there every step of the way–praying, encouraging, and always pointing me to Jesus. Thank you!
I shared in one of the videos that we made for Nightlight Christian Adoption that somewhere along the road to implanting any embryos who would survive the thaw, this journey became more about them and their genetic mother than it did about my heart’s desire to carry a child in my womb. When we set out to adopt embryos, I longed for a child in my womb. “Just one more,” I pleaded with the Lord.
But something changed. I realized again that God’s bigger picture may not have anything to do with the desire of my heart. Of course the desire to be pregnant was always there (and it may never leave me), but my focus shifted off of myself as I fell in love with four frozen embryos and their precious mother who had yearned for a family to give them a chance for more than ten years.
God’s plan was so very different to what I wanted. When He called us to adopt these four embryos who were given such a slim chance of survival, it clearly wasn’t for me to bring them into the world. Heaven was always the Father’s plan. Jesus won! He gained four precious children–finally freed from the test tube and now united in heaven. He loved those children so much that He called anyone who was willing to just say yes.
I will forever be thankful that God chose us when we raised our hands.
I don’t understand His ways. I never will. I’m never meant to. I only know that when God calls us to be obedient–to do the hard things and the painful things–it’s always for His glory.
Someone asked me if I knew from the start that this would be the outcome, if I knew that I would endure these weeks of medication only to come out on the other side with an empty womb, would I change anything? Would we search for “viable” embryos who stood a far greater chance of survival? Our answer with absolute peace and certainty is NO. We would not!
THESE were the embryos the Father asked us to adopt.
THIS was the family that He brought into our lives. I have been in touch with their amazing mom. The gift of being able to finally, after all these years, move on with her life and not think about her frozen embryos daily is something that gives me so much joy. Without hesitation I would do it all over just for her if God asked me to.
Though my heart is aching and I so wish that the outcome had been different, I would not change a single thing. I did what God asked me to do, and that is enough.
Jesus is enough.
Either we trust that He is a sovereign God, or we don’t. We do!
When we focus on the things that are eternal instead of temporary pain and sadness, Jesus always wins. Our loss is heaven’s gain. Some day when I reach the gates of heaven, there will be five children (I miscarried one years ago) who I have lost on earth waiting for me there.
I am so grateful that one precious love did survive the thaw and that I was able to carry him or her for as long as God allowed it. I am forever thankful for the opportunity to try and give life! My heart will always be grateful that God gave me such a beautiful opportunity. I still don’t know what I ever did to deserve it.
“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Cor, 4:18
Forevermore my heart will sing, “Have Your way, Lord Jesus.”
He gives and takes away.
