Close this search box.

facing my fear

I remember the day like it was yesterday.  I was twelve years old and swimming competitively.  Our team was training morning and night most days of the week, and in order to keep our strength up, our coaches decided we could all use a vitamin booster shot of some kind.  I forget what it was.  But it was a shot!  That’s all I remember.

So off our team went to the community doctor’s office (we lived in a smallish town where everyone knew everyone) where we lined up to get our shot.  I have NO idea why–perhaps it was small town in the 80’s or perhaps it was because I lived in an independent homeland in South Africa where things were done differently–but for some reason, we ALL got to see each other get that shot.  Me?  I was the victim at the back of the line.

The very last one.

Awesome, huh?

By the time my turn came, I was so freaked out! Like FREAKED OUT!  After seeing my friends all get a jab in their thigh, I couldn’t do it.  No can do!  After recovering from a near fainting spell, I bolted!  Ran the heck out of there and begged for syrup or drops or tablets or ANYTHING that didn’t require a needle.

They found some kind of multi-vitamin, gross, thick, tonic thing.

And so began a thirty-year history of doing anything humanly possible to avoid THE NEEDLE!  I know my Dad’s laughing reading this.  I have gone to pathetically desperate measures to avoid anything needle related. Other than my three C-sections, I have not had a needle in my body for thirty years.  Just the sight of them makes my stomach turn and my knees go weak.

I just have not been able to do it.

No, wait, I do remember one other time.  That time when I had an emergency appendectomy back in 1990.  But the shot came when I was so out of it that it barely registered.  Drug coma shots are okay.

I don’t have many fears in life.  Well, actually, I do have one other.  Snakes!  I am terrified of them and will go to extreme lengths to avoid even seeing a snake.  Awful darn things.

And so when I heard that part of the routine necessary to prepare my body for a Frozen Embryo Transfer was hormone shots, oh, man…I stepped way back into the 80’s.

“Is there anything else?  Lotion?  Nasty tasting liquid?  I can do that. Pills? Suppositories? ANY-THING?!” I asked in my shaky, oh-my-goodness-how-am-I-going-to-do-this?  voice.

Yeah, I’m very sure they think I’m a complete wimp.

“Shots have the best result!” they assured me.

And so it was with sweaty hands and a very rapidly beating heart that I opened the box containing the remainder of the medication that I need until my transfer date.

“Please, please Lord let them be tiny, short needles,” I begged God.  You know how we try to make a deal with the Lord?  “If you just do this one thing for me….!”  Yup, that’s me!

Connor laughed when we hauled the supplies out of the refrigerated box.  Packets and packets of long (LONG!) needles.  “Mom, I would rather rip my hair out than do even one of these.”  Nice!  He’s his mother’s child.


Pregnancy is easy.  Having babies is delightful.  But THIS?  This is the hardest part of this journey for me.  This is the thing that makes me terrified and makes my heart beat crazy fast just thinking about the next few weeks. I got all tearful today thinking about my husband having to help me to face my fear of needles as he gives me shots every day (and then twice a day).  So thankful that he’s willing because there is no way I could give them to myself. No way!


Today I am reminded that when we feel weak, He is strong.  When we wonder how in the world we will overcome, He promises us that the victory is already HIS.

Today the Father gently reminds me that facing fear is a good thing…

…it gives Him such a beautiful opportunity to show me once again that I truly can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

I have just two more days of the medication that I am on, and then we’ll move on to the tougher stuff early next week.

I’m breathing deeply and remembering WHY.

Because these four lives are precious and worthy and deserving of a CHANCE.

And there is NOTHING that I would not do to give them a fighting chance at LIFE.


Pressing onward and facing this fear because my tiniest loves are WORTH IT!